Lonely Heart Confessions- I’m complex, complicated and a little crazy

I fail to fit into the mold of conventional. The perfect square laid out to define my existence. I choose to walk along the line of differences; refusing to fully cross over to any one side for I am not an either or but rather a product of continuous interactions. Dynamic in nature.

There are no words yet to fully define me. I am a concept and an enigma. How then can I be explained if yet we are all dunbfounded? Three C’s seem to pervade through me. Encircling my mind and devouring my thoughts. You’ve seen them up above. Complex, complicated, crazy. They’ve called me all three.

They seem to think that my mental exercise is too exhausting for the simple man. I’m too tattered and broken to be a symbol of power. They say I’m a bit too zany and awkward to be a leader. Complex, complicated, crazy. They repeat and I start to think. What hath I done to be described as such? Is it wrong to be? Am I just a walking stop sign? Is ‘Do not enter’ etched on my forehead? Or is ‘U turn’ the sign that percolates through my essence? Does danger inflame me and leave a menace in the wake of my steps? Is it wrong to be?

My mind crinkles to the thoughts. Deeply replaying the words in my mental stereo. Complex, complicated, crazy. Complex, complicated, crazy. Complex, complicated, crazy. I repeated like a scratched disc or an unreeled cassette. Unwound by error and destroyed by mistake. But it was as I was reeling it back in, I realized. It’s ok to be.

If errors didn’t happen, then there could be no change. If mistakes were not made, then there would be no lessons. How can there be advancement in the wake of perfection? It is through our desires and implicit need to be better that we develop, enrich, build on and marvel. It is through our failures that we plaster our foundation and return to the drawing board. And it is from our mistakes that true human evolution and some amazing memories and stories are truly created.

So yes, I am complex. I admit. There is no duplicate that can be found. Even my doppleganger would not compute my unique decree. My intricate design is such that I’m one of a kind. Built like no other I step out into the world as a force. Curved like the figure 8, eyes bright like a star and a metallic smile that shimmers in the moonlight. Armoured to the tee with my intellect as my greatest defense, experience as my greatest teacher and love as my true leader. Love of self as a pre-requisite to love of others.

And yes, I’m complicated. My complexity is such that whispers results in trembles. A figure that leaves others fumbling. My mind is interwoven into my fibres. My being shaped and shaven to suit my ideals. I’m complicatedly simple. A contradiction that smiles at the utterance. A stitch out of time. A time warp ripple with a love of 50’s fashion and 90’s music. A 60’s hippie mentality promoting peace and equality with a 21st century design.

And I’m a little crazy. Crazy to believe that by definition I am my own best friend. My true master and teacher. Crazy to believe that I can garner knowledge through experience and interactions of others. To believe that dreams do come true because they do. Crazy to believe that I can truly do anything that I put my mind to and that I will live to see 110 years old because it is my will. Crazy to believe that I can be powerful but at the same time nurturing and have impeccable taste without sticking to the norm.

I am complex, complicated and a little crazy. But you know what? That’s alright. Acceptance and self-love.
I know who I am and I know my worth.

Listen to yourself for you truly know who you are. You are your greatest ally. The one constant in your life til the end. So nurture your spirit, enrich your mind, take care of your body and most of all love you for the original that you are and stop being a second hand version of someone else. YOU ARE AMAZING. Always remember that. I know I do.

Much Love,

Nella

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