So today I’ve decided to add a new feature called Personal Mondays and this is basically where i share something very personal about myself, my relationships and anything along those lines. Hope you enjoy!!!
This first entry is something I wrote last summer as a testament of closure after a breakup i had last year. It’s very personal and pretty deep. Here goes……
He would never know how much fear I lived in. How many times in my happiness I waited for the other shoe to drop to signal the end of my happiness. That the ones I love tend to leave me behind and end up nursing a broken heart that seems to take indefinite amount of time to heal. That I’ve rarely had a moment in time when all the stars were aligned and everything in my life was going great. I’m always on the lookout for the bad in the good. It’s a constant fear that stalks me and keeps me guarded, uptight and subdued. Much unlike myself the free spirit whose only desire is to enjoy all that life has to offer and to achieve true happiness.
He would never know how afraid I truly was to love. And worse yet to love and lose. How I often think ignorance is bliss rather than to lose the person you whole heartedly love. He would never know how much I would fight for him and to make it work as best as I could. That if he just gave it a chance and it didn’t work that I would gladly make the mutual decision to end the relationship.
I forgive him. I forgive him for taking the easy way out. For letting his fear consume him and rather than make a life-changing risk in love he left. I forgive him for not knowing how to deal with all the emotions he is feeling right now. I forgive him for pushing me away irregardless of all I offered him. For keeping me at a distance and shutting me out although he knows I will always be here for him. I accept and forgive.
I forgive myself. I sensed it but I had attributed it to being his ‘summer mode’. Convinced myself that with time that ‘this too shall pass’. Seeing the signs but not wanting to accept the direction it was taking me in or the journey I would end on. I forgive myself for not following my primal instincts and not knowing what to do to make things turn out different. I forgive myself for missing him and spending days upon end wanting him back by my side motivating and cheering, loving and listening, and most of all missing his very being, scent, look and touch. I forgive myself for my heart palpitations and the fact that it still skips a beat every time I see his name, face or picture. For constantly being on the look out for his car and listening hopefully for it to pull up on my driveway again. I forgive myself for all that I felt and all that I continue to feel despite everything.
Still I thank him for reminding me of my capacity to love openly, selflessly and beautifully. For teaching me other dimensions of me that were lost in translation. I appreciate him for reminding me to be calm and enjoy the little things and knowing that sometimes ‘it’s not the destination but the journey’. This maybe one of the only times I’d utter this but NBEH! J I understand the philosophy of embracing life and all its possibilities rather than being the neurotic planner and control freak I tend to be to just go with the flow. He taught me to enjoy the moments. Because while I’m spending my time planning and dreaming, life happens. Life happens to us whether we are sleeping or awake. Yes it happens to us! So I look back on all the memories and smile. Smile at the captured moments in time etched in my titanium vault of joy. Memories that I can call on anytime. Thank you for your love and for accepting mine. Our distances may be divided but our hearts are forever entwined in a spiritual dance. A dance that’s a reminder that we loved and we still love throughout time.