Personal Mondays- Prisoner of Relationships Past

Blessings my fair people,

 

When it comes to relationships, I’ve realized that there are 2 ways that we can be prisoners of our past relationships which can affect our present ones. The first is to have such an amazing relationship that no one can measure up to the invisible stick we keep dangled in front of our other suitors and the other is the opposite dynamic and having a shrew of bad relationships that makes you question your taste in men. I’ve had the fortune or misfortune of having both. I have remained a constant prisoner of my relationships past for many years.

 

A prisoner of my own mind and heart. Having experienced the best of both worlds, I know what it is I want but in my pursuit of happiness I tend to get hurt and overwhelmed by the lack of forthcoming gentlemen to fit the mold I’ve shaped out. What is it that I truly want in a man? Emotionally? Spiritually? Physically? Intellectually? Beyond? I could write an essay on each topic but the simple truth I want someone to love me everlastingly, grow with me spiritually, be my intellectual equal or smarter and impart knowledge on me (and being my equal doesnt me he has to be versed in the same things I do but rather just be able to hold a great conversation), being there supporting and caring for me. I want to feel that earth-shattering, life-changing love I’ve felt before and I don’t think I will settle for less. And that’s where I remain a prisoner of a great relationship because it’s hard for me to picture other than what I’ve already experienced. This has also led me to my being a prisoner of other relationship experiences because since then I’ve been disappointed continuously by the others that have come.

 

My search for love complemented by my myriad of experiences seems to put me in these shackles and I can’t seem to break free. I want to live beyond the barriers I’ve placed and experience what life has to offer but my fear erodes me and I remain enslaved. This was my thought process until about last night (and admittingly I still think like that sometimes) but I watched a short film of a couple getting married and it dawned on me that maybe I’m not where I’m supposed to be indefinitely at the moment but that’s just fine because it’s where I need to be. If I don’t have bad experiences I can’t appreciate the wonderful ones and if I didn’t have the great experience I would never truly understand my capacity to love above myself and to be selfless in my efforts. So until my prince comes, I’ll be enjoying what God has planned for me presently.

 

Much Love,

 

Nella

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