I have a confession for you all…… I’m afraid

Whew!!! It’s been a long time since I made a post like this on this blog.

They say our fear is our guide. It guides us on our paths and away from things that may stand in the way of our destiny. But what about when it cripples? When does fear stop being a guide and start being more of quick sand, slowly but surely dragging us deeper and stagnant rather than helping us to move forward? This is the kind of fear I feel sometimes.

My first confession tonight is that I’m afraid. I really am. I’ve always known it but after my last relationship which ended June of this year I was reminded of how much. I’m afraid to let people in. I’m afraid to let people know me completely and wholly. In relationships, I’m always prepared for the worst and have one foot out the door or the term I often said to myself in my last relationship was ‘waiting for the other shoe to drop’. I’m afraid to let people in because in the end I always expect people to leave. It’s why I’ve built up this wall of defense. I’ve even gotten so good at it that I can give the illusion of letting people in without doing so. Letting them know limited parts of me and passing it off as a whole. Never having to fear anyone getting to the root. Never having to fear the disappointment.

Yes I admit it. I am very afraid. I’m afraid to fall in love and lose myself or aspects of myself. I’m afraid to lose my identity and when the person is gone I’m left crippled and without a sense of direction. I’m afraid to truly love another person and let them love me. I’m afraid to let them know me because once they know the real me they’ll figure out how messed I am and disappear. That’s what I’m afraid of. So I remain guarded and always prepared for everyone to leave my life whether by choice or not. And it certainly doesn’t help that the one person I chose to let in did exactly as I feared and disappointed me gravely. Therefore, though I’m a bit more open than I used to be, I’m still as closed off as ever. A contradiction that makes sense once you think about it.

Now I’ve entered a new relationship and I’m choosing to fight back. I don’t want to be stifled by my own afflictions anymore. How will I ever truly find that which I so desperately desire? A unique kind of adventure that involves not just the lone wolf but a wholesome pack. The pack of family, friends, and other loved ones. Can I fight it? Stop being the lone ranger and become more? We’ll see.

Now that I’ve identified my fear. What will I do to overcome it? Well you’ll just have to wait and see as I bring you more confessions. Just think along the lines of fear cripples, risk heals. Keep reading.



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One thought on “I have a confession for you all…… I’m afraid

  1. I too have been fighting a battle with fear Nella. I have a fear of rejection and of losing people from my life. As a general thing it really only affects me for selected people, those I am particularly fond of either as partners or friends. I’ve been with my partner for 30 years but I frequently suffer from fear when she leaves to go somewhere in the car. I fear an accident and that she won’t come back. I wouldn’t mind the fear if it was based on compassion for her but it is really more selfish than that. I fear that I will be left alone. I know I could survive physically but I fear the loneliness of not having a partner. With friends when I meet someone I really like, who I feel real compassion for I fear they will not like me and that they won’t want to be my friend. I sometimes become very dependant on them looking for validation from them and being very pushy about them spending time with me. I have ruined two potential friendships that way. One of them was a friendship that was with someone I still see on a daily basis. It is difficult being shunned by someone you care for when you know it is your own fault for damaging the relationship. This person has very restrictive boundaries and her own set of issues surrounding her space, obviously someone like me is particularly threatening to her. My actions weren’t really all that extreme, it was just exacerbated by her innate concerns. I have apologized, backed off and trying to move on but it’s a difficult situation to be in each others presence. She will not forgive me even though I have backed off. So…I will look forward to reading your posts about fear and letting go.

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